An October experiment
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. — George Bernard Shaw
It’s 6:26PM and I’m just now sitting down to type this up when I usually publish posts early in the morning. Why? Because I got stuck. Like, big time stuck. So stuck I cleaned and rearranged part of my office, moved some furniture around in the living room, printed off planner sheets for tomorrow, and generally sat staring out the window a lot today. Now, to be fair to myself, I have been on a low dose of Benadryl all afternoon thanks to a days-long allergic response that is frustrating the hell out of me. But, I didn’t take that until around 1:30 — and it generally takes 60–75 minutes before the Benadryl kicks in enough to make my brain foggy. No, this was me avoiding writing even though I knew what I wanted to write about and why I wanted to write about it. When that much resistance to a simple writing task shows up I find it to be very helpful to sit down and do a free-write session. You know, kinda like a brain dump but focused on the task I’m finding myself blocked to tackle. So that is what I did — a free-write session about why writing this post has been eluding me all day. And? Yep, I found my Truth. And while I was reading over what I’d written it occurred to me that sharing that free-write session here with you might be helpful for you as an example of how to just dive deep within when seeking out a block. So, without much *editing at all, here is the transcript of that free-write session: I’m stuck. Don’t know what to write but know what I want to write about — screenless Sundays. I want this to be today’s Medium post and Monday’s Grace & Magic post. And I’m tired of feeling stuck with this piece so I’m gathering on here hoping something gets rustled free in the typing. Why do I want to go screenless on Sundays this month? What am I hoping to gain?
A renewed sense of Sunday being sacred, set aside for rest and rejuvenation.
A marker of time passing. Since I only work from home now and all my appointments are virtual, hell even church is virtual these days, time seems to just creep by without my noticing as much.
Like, I think I’m less mindful than I was six months ago.
I wake up and am like Shit! How is it already Saturday?!?
I feel lost without any markers of time…
(I hope to gain) a deadline for Monday blog posts that will make sure I don’t allow myself to get distracted all week and then finding myself sitting here writing up something late on Sunday nights and then feeling disappointed in myself because
1. The post would’ve been better and more helpful with time to grow and
2. I don’t want to live my life stressed out running from deadline to deadline — isn’t that a big part of why I’m crafting this life so intentionally — to create a life I don’t need a vacation from because it both nurtures and enriches me to such a degree that everyday life is beautiful, wonderful, intentional and connected?
So here I am typing this up, finding some stuff but also now blathering on again and Oh!
I’m feeling antsy!
I want a glass of wine or two.
Well, that’s good to recognize.
“Hello Anxiety, Hello fear of feeling whatever is bubbling up. I see you. I honor you. You have every right to your fears after what we’ve been through. I promise you that it’ll be ok. We’ve got this.”
Well, I certainly didn’t see that bubbling up AND that is exactly why free-writing is so important. Without this, I might have gone all day without recognizing it was fear holding me back — without noticing like I am now that my stomach is fluttering and my head feels tight and my nerves are on high alert.
A lifetime of disassociation can be numbing dammit.
I don’t have to understand why I’m scared or what I’m scared of.
I merely have to accept what it is and to reassure myselves that we are safe here. That we will be taken care of.
Thank you, God, for free-writing.
So, yeah, I see not that was the block.
I’m feeling super anxious about going screen-free for an entire 24 hours four different days this month — especially knowing that I’m hoping this becomes my new normal.
That is a lot of hours without the distraction of Facebook or Instagram or writing on the keyboard or researching or working on whatever class I’m working through or whatever and all of those hours will be spent sober and open to feeling…
That is a lot of silence while up and about to potentially feel some pretty BIG and scary feelings…. Ok, so I believe the best way forward this is through it.
And I believe in supporting myself as much as needed so I guess I’ll make a list up of things I can do tomorrow and print out whatever planner sheets I need and starting out and ending the day journaling sounds supportive.
Oh, and I think I’ll go ahead and share this on the blog so others can see how random and odd and totally illuminating free-writing can be! …
*I edited my journaling very sparsely, wanting to leave the realness of what free-writing looks like here for you. Mainly my edits were spelling and a few changes to help it read more clearly hopefully without changing the reading experience.
Katherine Grace is a self-Love advocating, self-help and essay writing, passionate triple Scorpio… writing for and about how Life is better when you love yourself. She is the creator of the Self-Care for Autumn guide. If you’d like to support her work, you can visit her Buy Me a Taco page.